5 Years Later...

We are officially in the pure depths of a relapse.  I cannot provide details as there is someone who now has access to our journey that has made it clear that Bren's best interest and safety are not a priority.  Relationships bring about an entirely new sea of storms to navigate!

The last month has been a full-blown relapse that, looking back, I saw coming but didn't recognize the warning signs until it was too late.  We got too comfortable.  We forgot that an OCD brain is always there...and WILL go to war at any time, even after lying dormant for 5 years.  Once again we are in the fight of our lives.  Only this time our 21 year old young woman understands it all and feels the pain more acutely, as the consequences of missing out on life as an adult are far greater.

Pray for us.  Pray for Bren.  She's fighting with everything she has only to be rewarded with a rare moment of clarity now and then.  She's exhausted and my heart stays in my throat constantly out of fear and out of pain for my little girl.

I have been working with a brilliant expert who is helping me turn this journey, with our most recent relapse, into a book.

So stay tuned.  And my only prayer is that other children and parents find our journey a valuable resource and support!

Much love to all my OCD moms and dads out there and to the beautiful children that make our lives more focused on what matters!

The Pendulum Swings

We have had such a great year.  Bren's OCD has been under control for the most part.  She is functioning well with things that used to cause her great pain and frustration.

But I began to notice something that bothered me.  A little girl that used to obsess about her grades, erasing page after page and rewriting it to make it perfect, was suddenly plagued with missing assignments and a less than mediocre GPA.  I couldn't put my finger on what was happening.  How can she go from an obsessing 4.0 student to a student needing to be chased down my teachers for missing and poorly done assignments?

The answer?  The pendulum swung way to far in the opposite direction.  You see, there was a time when Bren was scared to death of getting an answer wrong, much less failing a quiz or a paper.  Much of her therapy focused on her learned to control that fear and not obsess so much over grades.  In fact, we discussed over and over again that making a mistake was ok and totally acceptable.

Unfortunately, over the past couple of years Bren has developed a defense mechanism. She has felt so free from the stress of obsessing over academic perfection that she started to fear falling back into that obsession.  Her way to prevent going back "there" in her head was to avoid everything.  If an assignment was due and she didn't have enough time to finish it before bed, she would just put it off and the more she put off the further behind she fell.  Eventually she was just avoiding all pressure and stress through complete avoidance and apathy.  For the first time ever I came home from teachers' conferences being told that Bren was missing numerous assignments and they couldn't get her to respond.  This coming from a kid that would scream through tears that she had to stay up until 2am just to redo her math for the 4th time to get it right.

Obviously avoidance wasn't the answer.  And what her teachers and I mistook for apathy was actually a severe fear of those OCD demons that once plagued her.  When we confronted Bren and had a heart to heart she revealed all of this to us.

I don't have a end result yet, because just this last week Bren has decided that she wants to return to therapy for a while for a "tune up."  However just the fact that she has full understanding over her issues and recognizes her need to some help is a great beginning!  Hopefully we will have happy progress to report soon enough!

**Side note:  Bren didn't make varsity soccer this year and though she was sad and very disappointed, she has sense accepted it as a healthy challenge to improve where she lacks and prove that she deserves it next year.  Her acceptance of normal setbacks and disappointments, and not seeing them as huge failures on her part and a sign of her lack of worth, is HUGE!  So I guess we are still kicking OCD butt after all.  :)

Teachers...Teachers...Teachers...

Honestly, if I could just have the attention of every single teacher out there for a moment...

Last I checked, and I may be wrong, YOUR job wasn't to bully, to be a tyrant, to belittle and make afraid, to rule over, or to verbally abuse the students you have in your care.

Your JOB is to uplift, educate, partner with parents, build confidence, improve self esteem, protect, offer a helping hand, and mentor the students in your care.

Somewhere along the way, some of you have become disgruntled, bitter, dictators of your classroom and not only do your actions cause your students to resent you and disrespect you, but it causes parents like myself (who actually LIKE to work and partner with you in the education of our children) to come unglued and go to battle...against you.

To all those teachers who actually love their jobs and understand the important role you play in our children's lives, you deserve a standing ovation for all the hard work you do!

Having said all that...

When you have an OCD child that struggles with perfection in herself, the LAST thing on earth she needs is a tyrant for a teacher.  Unfortunately, we've been cursed with two math teachers in the past two years that prefer to tear down rather than lift up.  What the hell is wrong with you math teachers?  My math teachers in high school were wonderful and kind!  Not bitter, pinched faced, and living on students baked in pies.

Here it is, at the end of the semester, and Bren took a math test today.  It was worth 16 points.  She missed ONE question.  She made an A+.  BUT...  Bren forgot a pencil, and this teacher is known for her wrath so instead of asking of a pencil because she didn't think the rant would be worth it, she took the test in pen.  On the syllabus it states "all work must be done in pencil."  Never states the point deduction for violation.

The teacher then decided to take 5 points off for the pen.  So instead of a 15/16 she receives a 10/16.  That's a D my friends.  FOUR LETTER GRADE deduction for taking the test in pen.

Now I would have been fine with one letter grade deduction.  OR, she could have taken the 5 points off the grade not the test.  Because as it is calculated, there is a huge difference between deduction of POINTS vs. deduction of PERCENTAGE.  Bren lost percentage, not points.

I'm sorry, but I'm a believer in the punishment should fit the crime.  This isn't even close to being an appropriate consequence.  And of course, my little OCD girl is in a frenzy!

And what teachers like this don't realize, listen up teachers...this is important:  ALL THIS TAUGHT MY DAUGHTER WAS, ONCE AGAIN, TEACHERS ARE OUT TO GET YOU AND COULD CARE LESS ABOUT ALL THE STUDYING AND HARD WORK THAT YOU GIVE.  ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS DOMINATING AND MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP WHEN YOU FAIL AT THEIR GAMES.

So congrats to all you tired, overworked, hate your jobs teachers out there!  You've managed to wound yet another spirit.  Hope you sleep well tonight!

What Will 2013 Bring Us?

Here it is...day 1 of 2013.  We have a LOT to work on, and a LOT that we have overcome.

2011 was a very bad year...very hard...full of information overload.

2012 was hesitantly better...full of goals and achievements...regression and accomplishments.

But what will 2013 bring us?  We are very optimistic!

Here are some goals for us though:

1.  Technology & social media are an OCD nightmare.  Texts must be answered, and teenage girls who send a thousand texts a day make our lives really difficult.  When obsession with texting or Facebook becomes too much, we take them away for a while so that Bren's brain can calm itself.  Unfortunately that means a period of freaking out because there are unanswered messages out there that drive her crazy thinking about them.  If only I could tell those girls to STOP texting so much, to realize that questions like "do you think he likes me" or "what did he say when you skyped with him" cause Bren great anguish when she chooses to answer those and engage in silly conversation rather than being with family or completing daily tasks.  Once an honor student, your stupid texting craze has single-handedly taken out a brilliant little girl, and I can't tell you what you're doing wrong because teen girls can't be trusted to understand real problems and keep them secret.  Soooo, we are creating a "Texting Hour."  Once every night, there will be an hour set aside...after ALL other things are finished...in which my daughter can engage in silly, teen drama through texts and Facebook.

I hate you Mark Zuckerburg.

2.  We have to get Bren focused on school again.  She is in all honors classes and she is doing ok, but her potential is not being met.  She is far too intelligent for the grades she's pulling.

3.  As with all obsessions, Bren has latched onto the theory of "what it means to be a teen" and is running with it.  And only an OCD parent will understand what I mean.  Many of you will say oh that's normal, most teens push the limits, test boundaries, etc.  And I agree.  However, when you have an OCD child, they up the ante on you.  Bren has taken all that she has learned about teen behaviors and she takes them on herself.  She actually tries to push limits or test boundaries, and she does so because she is...well...a teenager.  When we force her to talk about her actions she'll respond very confused "but isn't that how I'm supposed to act, I'm a teenager."  She literally changes from one day to the next as she tries out new tactics.  One day she hates doing family stuff, the next she's mad because we aren't doing anything as a family, the next she looks through you with complete disdain, and the next she's wanting to talk about everything in a calm manner and tell you in a very mature way that she's sorry and she's just tired of trying to figure it all out in her head. The best way I can describe it is that she feels she needs to behave in certain ways just because she's a "teenager."  She doesn't want to necessarily, and if it gets too intense she will immediately change and move on like "that wasn't working so let's try something new."  There's a war constantly going on in that brain of hers as she tries to fight what's normal and what's obsession.

We still have our work cutout for us, but we're doing so much better and I'm learning immensely!  It's sometimes an unending puzzle, but I'm getting a little better at solving it.  As for Bren's father...well that's another post entirely.  :(

I encourage all of my fellow parents of OCD children out there to continue learning, keep setting goals, and maintain the fight!  Happy New Year from our family to yours!

VERY Helpful Article!

For those of you with kids who struggle with homework obsessions, you have to read this!

http://www.ocfoundation.org/ocdinkids/teens_young_adults/school.aspx

A Slight Regression and A Year in Review

Well, I guess you get two whole posts in the year of 2012.  Sorry.  This was a super busy year.

Here is an update on our journey of obsession through 2012:

1.  Thank goodness for soccer!  Bren's favorite sport continuously kept her exposed to playing in grass fields where flocks of Canadian geese felt the need to fertilize. :)  She loved the game so much and it kept her brain busy enough that she never even hesitated to pick up the ball and throw it in.  And let's not even discuss the mess that was in her cleats after.  But somehow she grew less and less concerned with it and that led to a more relaxed Bren in all outdoor settings.

2.  As many of you know, we made the decision to put Bren in private school for high school, for many reasons.  And quickly found out that this decision would NOT be popular with my public school teacher friends, but then I realized that if they truly cared for me and my daughter they would have supported me rather than berate me.  So after having to clean out some of my friends, Bren started her private high school.  The uniforms helped to alleviate the 7 clothing changes in the morning.  And because it is an all-girls school the need for perfection is gone.  Oh I know, girls shouldn't base their self worth on what boys think.  Absolutely!  But until you have a perfectionist child that over thinks EVERYTHING, you don't get to comment.  And I say that as politely as I can.  Once again, we saw Bren relax even more.

3.  Overall, we saw Bren take HUGE steps forward.  This last Thanksgiving we were at a friend's house and as I walked to the car I stepped in doggie doo.  A year ago, this would have sent Bren running and screaming, and probably leaving me no other choice but to throw the infected shoes in the trash.  But Bren was happy when I asked for a grocery bag and tied it around my shoe and drove home where The Hub then washed it for me.  Thankfully I was allowed to keep my shoe because they are one of my faves!

4.  As the year draws to a close, we have seen new stresses enter into Bren's life that have caused her a slight regression.  As with all obsessive-compulsive-overthinkers, everything is a potential stress that leads to over-thinking which leads to compulsive behaviors which leads to obsessions.  The stress of making new friends and playing on two brand new sports teams, all of which she knew no one, proved to be a bit much.  For the first time ever, Bren is lacking confidence on the soccer field, is unsure of herself in all social settings, and is an emotional wreck.  I know hormones are also wreaking havoc and adding to an already ugly stress storm, so we have decided to go back to Dr. Paula for a little tune-up until things settle down again. Bren doesn't quite recognize when she's obsessing on her own, but if we discuss it and she thinks about it, she will say "well that makes sense." We've also noticed that sometimes her brain won't shut down so that she can sleep at night, so we've had to help her by giving her small doses of medication to help her sleep.  She is NO where near the dangerous behaviors she once had, but we don't want her to end up there either.  It's precautionary. :)

All in all, we have been very blessed this year with great progress!  Will this fight ever be over?  Probably not.  But it sure does have its easier moments!  I'm very grateful for this journey and the insight into my little girl's brain.  Sometimes it absolutely exhausts me, but then I think of how exhausting it must be to have a brain that never stops over-thinking things.  I can't believe how strong my daughter is sometimes!  How hard it must be, and yet how awesome her attitude is toward getting help and recognizing and understanding her illness.

She isn't quite ready to come out and speak openly about her OCD, but she wants to someday help other youth recognize and understand their disorder.  When that happens, LOOK OUT!  She's going to make a huge difference in a lot of people's lives!

Merry Christmas to everyone!  And may 2013 bring you all the joy and happiness that you and your family deserve!

First Update of 2012

If I've learned anything through this journey/discovery with Bren it's that I really never knew what was going on in that little girl's head her whole life until now. I approached every single ordeal as I would any other child, and quite frankly, that was wrong of me.

Bren's brain and line of thinking is so very different from the average person. She sees things in a completely different way than most people would, and approaches things in ways I have trouble understanding.

Here are our latest struggles/discoveries:

1. I've noticed lately that Bren has been putting it "out there" that she is not fond of the 4 year college track. At first I thought, well no one is, but then I realized that what she was really doing was beginning to lay down the logic that justified college being a poor choice for her. That's how Bren thinks...logically. And once she begins to legitimize a path of understanding (her understanding) there is very little that can be done to reverse that, short of miracles and hard work. So I, as her mother, the one who knows her best, began thinking that perhaps I need to peak her interest in degrees/careers that work best with her. Now many...MANY...have come forward and said "it's too soon, she's so young, she'll change her mind a thousand times..." but what they don't know is that Bren doesn't change her mind. She's never just changed her mind. When her mind has changed it's been after very carefully thought-out reasoning that "allowed" her to realize that perhaps the other should be better considered. Yeah, I know...it makes me tired just thinking about my brain working that hard. But her brain works like that ALL THE TIME. So I've started listing ideas and interests that require degrees that would draw her attention and the need to consider them. I have to plant the seed now because the "other plant" is already growing. And while some would say, have said, "you can survive and be very successful and not go to college," they, again, don't know Bren. Once she realized how smart and talented she is, and that with a degree she could literally do ANYTHING, she will never forgive herself for denying herself that pathway. Never forgive herself.

2. Another struggle we are facing is that everything Bren touches turns to gold. Figuratively speaking of course. The child excels at every single thing she tries. Until now. For the first time ever, she is faced with being merely "average." Now, how can you prepare a child for being average, and like everyone else, when the child has never performed average on anything?? (As high school placement tests are coming in, we are discovering that perhaps we have a larger IQ on our hands than we ever imagined.) So this week volleyball tryouts occurred, and last year when she tried out she made the A team even though she had NEVER touched a volleyball before the week of tryouts. See what I mean, the child has this way of making it happen, and if you could see inside her brain it was working overtime during tryouts, laying down the logical path that would get her to A team. I know you think I'm exaggerating, but let me give you a snip-pit of something she told me during tryouts last year: "I could see that the coach wasn't looking for silly girls, she wanted maturity....and while I was serving I noticed that my serves were breaking right too far, so I stepped to my left a few feet to adjust where they landed...there are a lot of girls that are bigger than me so I am going to have to prove that I have the power they have in spite of my size so I adjusted how I approached the..." See...everything is logic. Anyway, back to this year, tryouts were this week. Now keep in mind that Bren had decided she would not tryout for volleyball this year, because unlike soccer, she never could wrap her mind around the fact that she wasn't "perfect" at it. She's not used to being average. So The Hub and I, very cunningly, tried to persuade her to tryout again because we realized the need to her to experience what it's like to struggle and work at something. She agreed to tryout and yesterday she discovered she had not made the A team. HOLY HELL! You would have thought the world came to an end! Now keep in mind that the only reason this child is reacting in this way is because to HER this is a sign of failure, her own pressure of perfection has caused her to excel or find a way to excel at everything she puts her mind to. It's never about her being snotty or spoiled...she suffers way too much to be labeled as such. Talking her down last night was exhausting, but I think I'm slowly getting through to that mystery brain of hers that being average is not a sign of failure, it's a sign of being normal. She had a "smile" of some sorts on her face this morning headed to school, and I'm sure she will be happy with her friends on the B team this season. But NOT until her brain lays down the logic for her to see how B team will be beneficial for her...literally not until then.

Sometimes I think that brain of hers is another entity altogether, and quite often works against her on purpose just to make her miserable.

As for her anxiety, it rarely rears its ugly head. And the washing and germ phobia has all but vanished for now. But as I'm learning with the OCD brain, there is always something to obsess about and control, and therefore there is always something for Bren and I to wage war against.

But we are pretty strong fighters, so there isn't much we're scared of anymore. :)

Long Time...Lots to Update.

School started and the first part of school has our family up to our necks in Fall soccer schedules, new after school schedules, and dance class schedules. So basically I spent September, October, and most of November literally falling into my bed at night.

But I have lots to update! Two weeks ago Bren graduated from full time therapy! Things are so much better that our last few visits weren't really productive anyway. I asked her doctor how this is possible and she laughed and said "well, though I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself, it seems as though Bren became a little OCD about being inconvenienced by her OCD and learned to manage it quickly." That's my girl! Basically Bren started using the techniques she learned in therapy to fix the issues that hindered her on a daily basis. She has even turned in a few assignments late, though she then bugged the teacher to make sure the grades were posted asap so she could prove to me it was turned in. My bar isn't covered in pencil erasings and pencil marks, and homework is done by dinner every night. I can't tell you how this has changed our family life! We actually eat together again!

Bren has also taken on an after school job where she walks the neighbor's dog. This time last year she wouldn't have touched her own dogs much less another one.

It's truly amazing how far she has come. I'm so blessed to have had so many prayers and wishes headed our way through the really dark times. Even when I worried that I would have to hospitalize my daughter, I felt buoyed up by your prayers, and I gathered the strength to go on.

Bren will continue to manage her OCD and anxiety, and we will see her doctor if a tune-up is necessary, but we are blessed to be moving forward for now. And that is all I asked for...well, that and to see my daughter's beautiful smile every day!

Things are really good!

I'm happy to report that we are a month into 8th grade and Bren is doing fantastic! Her therapist has been amazing in helping Bren and I realize that "stress" is the number one trigger for her OCD and anxiety issues. Basically, as long as she isn't stressed, she doesn't have anxiety and then she doesn't use the OCD behaviors to push the anxiety away.

Of course, completely stress-free is impossible, but we've really worked on ways to deal with stress so that anxiety levels don't become over elevated. We've had only a couple of situations where we needed to really utilize the techniques we've learned, and we worked through those beautifully.

Since her toddler years, Bren has been the type to fix her problems as soon as she could because she highly disliked being out of control. OCD created A LOT of out of control situations for her and for over a year she lost control of her environment and her life. I know this killed her inside. But I also know this is why she is progressing so quickly. Because she will always have OCD tendencies, she will always have to watch her stress levels and check herself with stress gets high.

I'm just so very thankful that I'm enjoying my little girl again as I watch her once again enjoy life. When I sit beside her at night and giggle at the text messages she and her first boyfriend send back and forth, I say a little prayer to my Heavenly Father thanking Him for returning my daughter to me.

Medication is on Hold.

We finally got in to the other doctor at our clinic (the one who deals with the medication portion of Bren's therapy.)

I went in prepared for him to medicate the heck out of her, and even though I saw medication as a last last last resort, after this last year I was prepared to negotiate at least some medicine. Instead, he said that since she is not overly stressed right now and she has the control on her OCD instead of it having control of her, he wanted to wait. He said, "We've established the relationship, so we'll wait and see. If it comes back with the stress of school, then you call and I'll have you in that week and we'll see what she needs."

This renewed my trust in him, or I should say he received my trust when I was prepared to withhold it. He wasn't willing to just medicate her into a zombie, and indicated that medicine would be used as I wanted it used: As a last resort.

I can't help but feel as though Heavenly Father is directing me to the right people since he knows the prayers of my heart. Who knows, we may find ourselves back in dark days in the future, but I feel like, more than ever, we have an army on our side.

Back Off People...Momma Knows Best!

Things are still going great. Although we are hoping things stay great once the stresses of school start again. Right now we are low stress, and because her issues are stress triggered, then things are good.

Each week Bren and I talk more and more openly with Paula (the doctor) and she helps us through difficulties. Today I brought up an issue I've been having more and more as soccer and dance sign-ups near.

Basically, the only time throughout the school year that I see Bren lighten up, be herself, and smile without worry is on the soccer field or on the stage. As a mother I revel in those moments, especially when I know that it will all vanish later that night during shower time. However, this causes friends and family to comment that if I were to take Bren out of soccer and dance, she wouldn't be stressed with homework overload, and *poof* problem solved! Um, not that easy.

I get their point, I do. But I also know that the stupid teachers will still keep piling on the homework so that they can illustrate their dominance over the teenagers that they can't outsmart and therefore feel a need to bully into submissiveness.

WOW...that just came right out didn't it! Couldn't stop my fingers from typing that if I tried!

Back to the point. So the homework is still going to come hard and heavy, as is the need to be the perfect student. To me as a mother it would seem detrimental to take away the only outlets my daughter has during the school year. So I argue back that I disagree, and think soccer and dance are the moments she is relieved from stress rather than adding to her stress.

But the comments keep coming. "I'd take her out of soccer so she can focus on school." "If she's stressed then perhaps you shouldn't have her in soccer and dance." All said in ways that are accusing and NOT in the least helpful.

Today I bring up these comments to Paula and ask her if I'm doing the right thing...I mean I'm even battling my husband over these issues. And Paula confirms what I already know in my heart: Bren needs those outlets.

Let me explain: Growing up in an abusive house was scary, embarrassing, stressful, gut wrenching, etc. I hated it. It changed me at a very young age and robbed me of so much. It was only when I was on my horse in an arena, competing and focusing on that moment, that I forgot that my step dad was an evil beast. If they had taken away my horse and my outlet, I can honestly say I would have been forever lost spiritually. So I see my own daughter struggle and I see the moments she doesn't feel a need to be perfect and she relaxes and I refuse to take those moments away from her. So screw all of you and your opinions and your snarky comments and your "I'm only trying to help" advice. Until you've lived even a day in mine and my daughter's shoes, and clung to those moments when you're finally in control of your own world, you can kindly keep your "advice."

FINALLY!

Okay, so the end of the school year sucks. It is constant going and coming and parents are stretched thin trying to balance one event after another. BUT...I finally have time to sit down and catch you up...before I head out to my son's 5th grade graduation dance. *see what I mean*

Bren has seen the psychiatrist twice now and things are good. No, I guess I can allow myself to say things are GREAT. I always under report so that I don't get too excited and then fall so hard when something does happen. Bren is making great strides. Do we have a day here and there? Yes, there isn't a fast and easy cure. But those days are fewer and farther between than before.

Why? Partly because so many of you prayed and fasted for Bren, and partly because Bren and her doctor are a perfect match. Paula just knows everything to say to help Bren open up. And boy did she open up! She said things that I had NO idea she was thinking and feeling. And as a mother, hearing her inner most fears, my heart wrenched unlike anything I'd ever felt before. She knows the fears are in her head and impossible, but they still feel real. And because they aren't real, I can't fix them, I can't take them away, and I can't save her from them, and quite frankly that is a really helpless place to be as a mother. But even more, that is a terrible thing to feel as a beautiful and intelligent, and wonderful little girl.

Progress is a good thing. And we'll keep trudging through this until we save our daughter, and Bren controls her life rather than her brain and thoughts controlling her. This is about Bren reclaiming the life she deserves...it's my job to get her there.

You know that feeling you get when something just feels right?

That's the feeling I had today when I met with Bren's psychiatrist for the first time. She was fantastic! And on the very FIRST visit, with her asking me history questions, we think we nailed down the two events that sparked Bren's slow progress to where she is now with her Anxiety build up.

When Bren was born, she was smurf blue and didn't breathe for quite a while. I had to have an emergency c-section due to her being so stressed and in danger. Upon hearing this, Ms. Paula explained that there is ongoing research about the brain retaining information even when the person does not remember. She explained that Bren's brain could have registered and stored a "fight" memory from that stressful birth and was waiting for some trauma to unlock it.

The trauma, we discovered through talking, happened during the birth of my 3 child. Bren had her first anxiety attack after that and refused to spend the night with family members she used to LOVE to stay with. Apparently, when I went into the hospital for the 4 days to have Jase, I had asked the Grandparents if they would please allow Bren and Mase the opportunity to sleep at their own house in their own beds so that there would be stability while Mom was having a new baby. I found out after Jase was born that Bren and Mase stayed all 4 days away from their own home and at another set of grandparents. I wasn't mad, just remember wishing that our wishes had been respected because Bren really needed to learn to sleep in her own bed more and we didn't want her to feel as though we shipped her off while we brought in her baby sister. I also felt like that stability was important. Perhaps that was the Holy Ghost trying to whisper a warning. But after we all returned home, Bren had her first panic attack when my brother came to pick her up to spend the night (several weeks later) with his own kids. She refused to go with him and it got worse from there.

Ms. Paula explained that while no harm was meant to Bren in keeping her while we were in the hospital, she was a child that woke up several times at night even at 4 with bad dreams and would crawl into bed with us. At anyone else's house, she didn't get that privilege, and spending 4 days away from Mom for the first time, in a house that was not her own, and knowing that her mom was in the hospital, could have been the trauma that sparked her brain to begin reacting to stressful situations. Because literally, after that time, it took Bren up until 2 years ago to be comfortable spending the night at someone's house, and even now it has to be someone she REALLY knows or she won't do it.

It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just that the brain could have retained that stressful memory from birth and that traumatic situation could have set it off. It made total and complete sense to me because that was the first time I remember Bren freaking out and clawing her way out of my brother's car to get to me, and she would cry and beg me to not make her spend the night away from home even at her grandparent's or cousin's houses.

So I guess by the time this initial meeting was over, I felt like we had a good grasp on the the orientation of it all. Now we just need to control it.

Changing Directions

The last two weeks have been uber super duper hard. Things are progressing too fast.

After calling our therapist, she and I both realized that Bren is beyond just therapy. We are in need of a psychiatrist and medication.

This rips my heart out to see my little girl disappearing before my eyes. I know she's still here, but she's not the same Bren she was just a few months ago. But I'm in a better place tonight, so I have a better handle on things and can focus more.

One of my dearest friends, who apparently knows me better than I thought, called me to talk yesterday. She knows that when times are tough I completely separate myself from the rest of the world and take on the battle all by myself. I don't do "needy" and I don't do "dependence." So as we are talking and I'm telling her "I'm fine really" she stops and says "okay, let's just say it, let's say what you're thinking and let's get it out there." Then she says the ONE thing that if it were true, would kill me literally. But then in the same breath she makes me realize that what I'm fearing is NOT happening. I hadn't said it before then because even thinking it closed my throat down tight and stripped the breath from me. But once my friend put it out there like that it became less scary, and I could think more clearly. She gave me back the control that I was losing, and the last two days were better days because of that.

Bren still had hard times, and will continue, but now I'm in a better place. God gave me this little girl because He knew that I was strong enough to hold her up and hold up the rest of my family while we endure this and then survive it. BUT, I have been forced to embrace the help of others so that I can continue to stay strong and get my family through this. For that I am so very thankful for my dearest friends, and their willingness to to hold me when I cry.

I also want everyone to know that my little family feels your prayers and we cannot thank you enough, because there have been moments when the only thing that carried us through were the lifting power of your prayers. Thank you dearly!

It's Morning.

The sun came up today. That's something. I don't think I could take another rainy day.

Dear Heavenly Father...

I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted and worn out, but most of all my heart is breaking for my little girl. I really think I'm at my breaking point.

Tonight was such a bad night. I suck at this. Bren seems so out of control and the things she says are just beyond my understanding and I'm watching her little sweet mind unravel and then I feel myself slowly unravel at the thought of her pain.

I need help. I need some divine intervention to give me the strength to pull through this. I need to be strong for my daughter. And yet THIS was the last thing I am capable of protecting her from. How can you protect a little girl from an illness that is in her head?

Bren and I can't keep going like this. Mornings are rough, evenings are terrible, and I can't fix it.
Even my younger two are starting to suffer from all the strife and tension that we are enduring.

My family is strong and we've pulled through a lot, but this is HARD. And when I pray 40 times a day I need to know my prayers aren't just hitting the ceiling. I need to know they are heard.

Dear Father, you know I get mad at you sometimes. But you also know that I am still on your side and I am fiercely loyal. And I know right now I'm having one of my "moments" and I'm weak right now. Tomorrow I may be strong again. But tonight, I need you to just give my baby girl a moment of peace, a moment of compassion, and a moment of comfort. I'll find my own peace in that.

Loyally Yours, even when I'm mad,

Me.

The Worst Thing: The Sequence Questions

I think through all of this, the "sequence questions" are the hardest. Let me explain.

Bren will come to me SEVERAL times a day with a question. The questions all work the same, but with different beginnings. For instance: "Mom, I have a question. Last week when we were gardening I was wearing my flip flops. Then when I came in they touched my black shirt. Then I accidentally laid my black shirt on top of my gym bag. So if there was gross stuff in the garden, then is there gross stuff on my bag? And if the bag touches my elbow is that okay or do I need to wash it?"

By the time we've gone through these scenarios 5 or 6 times a day, two things are very heavy on my mind: First, I'm absolutely exhausted from hearing them so I can only imagine how exhausting it must be for her to need them answered, and then my almost 14yr old should be able to process things like this so I'm standing there looking at her, both of us scared to death for different reasons.

Ugh, this is so freaking hard some times! My beautiful, healthy, talented, and intelligent daughter shouldn't be fighting things like this!

“It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.” - Sally Kempton

Houston...We Have Progress!

It's small progress, but progress nonetheless.

Bren finally saw a therapist on Tuesday. As I mentioned before, this therapist specializes in behavior therapy rather than medicating first. And again, I realize that medication might be in the future, but for now, we would rather try to get there without it.

I asked Bren about the visit afterward and this is what she told me:

Bren has stress related OCD. When she stresses about something, she moves to compulsions to push the feelings and thoughts of her stress away. They are going to focus on helping her deal with stress rather than push it away. For now, they are using the EMDR treatment, and Bren has little seeds taped behind her ears. The tape lasts a week or more, and the seeds are set on top of pressure points. When she feels stressed and wants to react, she is to squeeze the seeds and apply pressure and take deep breaths for 2 minutes, or until the need to react passes. Another thing they are doing (and by they, I mean Bren and her therapist together) is placing Bren on supplements rich in zinc. I am researching this as I write, but I'm seeing where this thought process is coming from. Apparently there are many stress related disorders inversely related to zinc deficiencies. So we will have to see whether that helps or not.

For the past two days, I have noticed Bren nonchalantly pinch her ears and take deep breaths. I also noticed that she did it more than I thought she would, which means she was dealing with stressful moments throughout her day that drove her to the handwashing or other compulsive behaviors. Bren is also expected to keep a daily journal, documenting all her emotions and stresses throughout her day.

I think this has helped tremendously as yesterday she was writing in her journal and said, "Mom, yesterday and today I only washed my hands 2 times at school!" The look on her face of accomplishment was something I hadn't seen in a while and after high-fiving her and celebrating I quickly ducked in the other room to celebrate privately the return of my confident, happy little girl, even if it was for a moment.

I know we aren't healed. I know that this is only a stepping stone along our way. But to see even an ounce of progress, even a fleeting moment of confidence back in Bren, makes the journey bearable and renews our strength.

Today could not have come fast enough...

Today is the appointment with our therapist. And honestly, it needed to have been a week ago.

Bren's hand washing has progressed to a terrible level and now she is struggling with skin conditions. And the questions she needs answered about germs and such are just so heart wrenching. How can a child so brilliant and well rounded suddenly have such elementary questions about day-to-day life?

Anyway, I'm just thankful for today and for the healing to begin. I know the road will still be tough, but at least we have a plan. Plans are good.

Sometimes...I don't feel like I'm the right Mom for the job.

Tonight was a hard night. On nights like tonight, I don't feel like I'm the right mom for this. Like I make things worse in the heat of the moment because at the end of the day, I'm a little broken too. I just hate how one night I'm hugging her through the shower curtain (to maintain her privacy of course) because she needed me to help her stop washing, and the next night we're yelling and mad because no matter how hard I try, I CAN'T GET HER OUT OF THE SHOWER! We went through an entire bar of soap in a week, and there's never any hot water for our other two children. Of course I try to put them in first, but it depends on schedules and sometimes all that is left is cold water after her 45 min shower.

I try to just shut it off, but she is always covered with soap so there is never an okay time to shut off the water and it just turns into a fit and we both go to bed exhausted. Then just a few hours before she kept clicking my phone to see the time. I asked her what that was about and she was timing herself to read for 30 min. I told her just to read and then look at the clock after a long while, not every minute or so because it wastes battery. I also mentioned that the teachers never expect the students to read EXACTLY 30 min., and that if she reads 25 it's fine. Yep, that was a waste of words. She isn't about to just read 25 min. when the assignment is 30!

I know this is going to be hard for both of us. I know. It's just that on nights like tonight, I can't seem to muster up enough energy to be as hopeful and confident as I am on other days. And sometimes I just don't feel qualified as a mother. But one day at a time, right?