Okay, so the end of the school year sucks. It is constant going and coming and parents are stretched thin trying to balance one event after another. BUT...I finally have time to sit down and catch you up...before I head out to my son's 5th grade graduation dance. *see what I mean*
Bren has seen the psychiatrist twice now and things are good. No, I guess I can allow myself to say things are GREAT. I always under report so that I don't get too excited and then fall so hard when something does happen. Bren is making great strides. Do we have a day here and there? Yes, there isn't a fast and easy cure. But those days are fewer and farther between than before.
Why? Partly because so many of you prayed and fasted for Bren, and partly because Bren and her doctor are a perfect match. Paula just knows everything to say to help Bren open up. And boy did she open up! She said things that I had NO idea she was thinking and feeling. And as a mother, hearing her inner most fears, my heart wrenched unlike anything I'd ever felt before. She knows the fears are in her head and impossible, but they still feel real. And because they aren't real, I can't fix them, I can't take them away, and I can't save her from them, and quite frankly that is a really helpless place to be as a mother. But even more, that is a terrible thing to feel as a beautiful and intelligent, and wonderful little girl.
Progress is a good thing. And we'll keep trudging through this until we save our daughter, and Bren controls her life rather than her brain and thoughts controlling her. This is about Bren reclaiming the life she deserves...it's my job to get her there.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
You know that feeling you get when something just feels right?
That's the feeling I had today when I met with Bren's psychiatrist for the first time. She was fantastic! And on the very FIRST visit, with her asking me history questions, we think we nailed down the two events that sparked Bren's slow progress to where she is now with her Anxiety build up.
When Bren was born, she was smurf blue and didn't breathe for quite a while. I had to have an emergency c-section due to her being so stressed and in danger. Upon hearing this, Ms. Paula explained that there is ongoing research about the brain retaining information even when the person does not remember. She explained that Bren's brain could have registered and stored a "fight" memory from that stressful birth and was waiting for some trauma to unlock it.
The trauma, we discovered through talking, happened during the birth of my 3 child. Bren had her first anxiety attack after that and refused to spend the night with family members she used to LOVE to stay with. Apparently, when I went into the hospital for the 4 days to have Jase, I had asked the Grandparents if they would please allow Bren and Mase the opportunity to sleep at their own house in their own beds so that there would be stability while Mom was having a new baby. I found out after Jase was born that Bren and Mase stayed all 4 days away from their own home and at another set of grandparents. I wasn't mad, just remember wishing that our wishes had been respected because Bren really needed to learn to sleep in her own bed more and we didn't want her to feel as though we shipped her off while we brought in her baby sister. I also felt like that stability was important. Perhaps that was the Holy Ghost trying to whisper a warning. But after we all returned home, Bren had her first panic attack when my brother came to pick her up to spend the night (several weeks later) with his own kids. She refused to go with him and it got worse from there.
Ms. Paula explained that while no harm was meant to Bren in keeping her while we were in the hospital, she was a child that woke up several times at night even at 4 with bad dreams and would crawl into bed with us. At anyone else's house, she didn't get that privilege, and spending 4 days away from Mom for the first time, in a house that was not her own, and knowing that her mom was in the hospital, could have been the trauma that sparked her brain to begin reacting to stressful situations. Because literally, after that time, it took Bren up until 2 years ago to be comfortable spending the night at someone's house, and even now it has to be someone she REALLY knows or she won't do it.
It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just that the brain could have retained that stressful memory from birth and that traumatic situation could have set it off. It made total and complete sense to me because that was the first time I remember Bren freaking out and clawing her way out of my brother's car to get to me, and she would cry and beg me to not make her spend the night away from home even at her grandparent's or cousin's houses.
So I guess by the time this initial meeting was over, I felt like we had a good grasp on the the orientation of it all. Now we just need to control it.
When Bren was born, she was smurf blue and didn't breathe for quite a while. I had to have an emergency c-section due to her being so stressed and in danger. Upon hearing this, Ms. Paula explained that there is ongoing research about the brain retaining information even when the person does not remember. She explained that Bren's brain could have registered and stored a "fight" memory from that stressful birth and was waiting for some trauma to unlock it.
The trauma, we discovered through talking, happened during the birth of my 3 child. Bren had her first anxiety attack after that and refused to spend the night with family members she used to LOVE to stay with. Apparently, when I went into the hospital for the 4 days to have Jase, I had asked the Grandparents if they would please allow Bren and Mase the opportunity to sleep at their own house in their own beds so that there would be stability while Mom was having a new baby. I found out after Jase was born that Bren and Mase stayed all 4 days away from their own home and at another set of grandparents. I wasn't mad, just remember wishing that our wishes had been respected because Bren really needed to learn to sleep in her own bed more and we didn't want her to feel as though we shipped her off while we brought in her baby sister. I also felt like that stability was important. Perhaps that was the Holy Ghost trying to whisper a warning. But after we all returned home, Bren had her first panic attack when my brother came to pick her up to spend the night (several weeks later) with his own kids. She refused to go with him and it got worse from there.
Ms. Paula explained that while no harm was meant to Bren in keeping her while we were in the hospital, she was a child that woke up several times at night even at 4 with bad dreams and would crawl into bed with us. At anyone else's house, she didn't get that privilege, and spending 4 days away from Mom for the first time, in a house that was not her own, and knowing that her mom was in the hospital, could have been the trauma that sparked her brain to begin reacting to stressful situations. Because literally, after that time, it took Bren up until 2 years ago to be comfortable spending the night at someone's house, and even now it has to be someone she REALLY knows or she won't do it.
It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just that the brain could have retained that stressful memory from birth and that traumatic situation could have set it off. It made total and complete sense to me because that was the first time I remember Bren freaking out and clawing her way out of my brother's car to get to me, and she would cry and beg me to not make her spend the night away from home even at her grandparent's or cousin's houses.
So I guess by the time this initial meeting was over, I felt like we had a good grasp on the the orientation of it all. Now we just need to control it.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Changing Directions
The last two weeks have been uber super duper hard. Things are progressing too fast.
After calling our therapist, she and I both realized that Bren is beyond just therapy. We are in need of a psychiatrist and medication.
This rips my heart out to see my little girl disappearing before my eyes. I know she's still here, but she's not the same Bren she was just a few months ago. But I'm in a better place tonight, so I have a better handle on things and can focus more.
One of my dearest friends, who apparently knows me better than I thought, called me to talk yesterday. She knows that when times are tough I completely separate myself from the rest of the world and take on the battle all by myself. I don't do "needy" and I don't do "dependence." So as we are talking and I'm telling her "I'm fine really" she stops and says "okay, let's just say it, let's say what you're thinking and let's get it out there." Then she says the ONE thing that if it were true, would kill me literally. But then in the same breath she makes me realize that what I'm fearing is NOT happening. I hadn't said it before then because even thinking it closed my throat down tight and stripped the breath from me. But once my friend put it out there like that it became less scary, and I could think more clearly. She gave me back the control that I was losing, and the last two days were better days because of that.
Bren still had hard times, and will continue, but now I'm in a better place. God gave me this little girl because He knew that I was strong enough to hold her up and hold up the rest of my family while we endure this and then survive it. BUT, I have been forced to embrace the help of others so that I can continue to stay strong and get my family through this. For that I am so very thankful for my dearest friends, and their willingness to to hold me when I cry.
I also want everyone to know that my little family feels your prayers and we cannot thank you enough, because there have been moments when the only thing that carried us through were the lifting power of your prayers. Thank you dearly!
After calling our therapist, she and I both realized that Bren is beyond just therapy. We are in need of a psychiatrist and medication.
This rips my heart out to see my little girl disappearing before my eyes. I know she's still here, but she's not the same Bren she was just a few months ago. But I'm in a better place tonight, so I have a better handle on things and can focus more.
One of my dearest friends, who apparently knows me better than I thought, called me to talk yesterday. She knows that when times are tough I completely separate myself from the rest of the world and take on the battle all by myself. I don't do "needy" and I don't do "dependence." So as we are talking and I'm telling her "I'm fine really" she stops and says "okay, let's just say it, let's say what you're thinking and let's get it out there." Then she says the ONE thing that if it were true, would kill me literally. But then in the same breath she makes me realize that what I'm fearing is NOT happening. I hadn't said it before then because even thinking it closed my throat down tight and stripped the breath from me. But once my friend put it out there like that it became less scary, and I could think more clearly. She gave me back the control that I was losing, and the last two days were better days because of that.
Bren still had hard times, and will continue, but now I'm in a better place. God gave me this little girl because He knew that I was strong enough to hold her up and hold up the rest of my family while we endure this and then survive it. BUT, I have been forced to embrace the help of others so that I can continue to stay strong and get my family through this. For that I am so very thankful for my dearest friends, and their willingness to to hold me when I cry.
I also want everyone to know that my little family feels your prayers and we cannot thank you enough, because there have been moments when the only thing that carried us through were the lifting power of your prayers. Thank you dearly!
Friday, May 20, 2011
It's Morning.
The sun came up today. That's something. I don't think I could take another rainy day.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Dear Heavenly Father...
I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted and worn out, but most of all my heart is breaking for my little girl. I really think I'm at my breaking point.
Tonight was such a bad night. I suck at this. Bren seems so out of control and the things she says are just beyond my understanding and I'm watching her little sweet mind unravel and then I feel myself slowly unravel at the thought of her pain.
I need help. I need some divine intervention to give me the strength to pull through this. I need to be strong for my daughter. And yet THIS was the last thing I am capable of protecting her from. How can you protect a little girl from an illness that is in her head?
Bren and I can't keep going like this. Mornings are rough, evenings are terrible, and I can't fix it.
Even my younger two are starting to suffer from all the strife and tension that we are enduring.
My family is strong and we've pulled through a lot, but this is HARD. And when I pray 40 times a day I need to know my prayers aren't just hitting the ceiling. I need to know they are heard.
Dear Father, you know I get mad at you sometimes. But you also know that I am still on your side and I am fiercely loyal. And I know right now I'm having one of my "moments" and I'm weak right now. Tomorrow I may be strong again. But tonight, I need you to just give my baby girl a moment of peace, a moment of compassion, and a moment of comfort. I'll find my own peace in that.
Loyally Yours, even when I'm mad,
Me.
Tonight was such a bad night. I suck at this. Bren seems so out of control and the things she says are just beyond my understanding and I'm watching her little sweet mind unravel and then I feel myself slowly unravel at the thought of her pain.
I need help. I need some divine intervention to give me the strength to pull through this. I need to be strong for my daughter. And yet THIS was the last thing I am capable of protecting her from. How can you protect a little girl from an illness that is in her head?
Bren and I can't keep going like this. Mornings are rough, evenings are terrible, and I can't fix it.
Even my younger two are starting to suffer from all the strife and tension that we are enduring.
My family is strong and we've pulled through a lot, but this is HARD. And when I pray 40 times a day I need to know my prayers aren't just hitting the ceiling. I need to know they are heard.
Dear Father, you know I get mad at you sometimes. But you also know that I am still on your side and I am fiercely loyal. And I know right now I'm having one of my "moments" and I'm weak right now. Tomorrow I may be strong again. But tonight, I need you to just give my baby girl a moment of peace, a moment of compassion, and a moment of comfort. I'll find my own peace in that.
Loyally Yours, even when I'm mad,
Me.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Worst Thing: The Sequence Questions
I think through all of this, the "sequence questions" are the hardest. Let me explain.
Bren will come to me SEVERAL times a day with a question. The questions all work the same, but with different beginnings. For instance: "Mom, I have a question. Last week when we were gardening I was wearing my flip flops. Then when I came in they touched my black shirt. Then I accidentally laid my black shirt on top of my gym bag. So if there was gross stuff in the garden, then is there gross stuff on my bag? And if the bag touches my elbow is that okay or do I need to wash it?"
By the time we've gone through these scenarios 5 or 6 times a day, two things are very heavy on my mind: First, I'm absolutely exhausted from hearing them so I can only imagine how exhausting it must be for her to need them answered, and then my almost 14yr old should be able to process things like this so I'm standing there looking at her, both of us scared to death for different reasons.
Ugh, this is so freaking hard some times! My beautiful, healthy, talented, and intelligent daughter shouldn't be fighting things like this!
“It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.” - Sally Kempton
Bren will come to me SEVERAL times a day with a question. The questions all work the same, but with different beginnings. For instance: "Mom, I have a question. Last week when we were gardening I was wearing my flip flops. Then when I came in they touched my black shirt. Then I accidentally laid my black shirt on top of my gym bag. So if there was gross stuff in the garden, then is there gross stuff on my bag? And if the bag touches my elbow is that okay or do I need to wash it?"
By the time we've gone through these scenarios 5 or 6 times a day, two things are very heavy on my mind: First, I'm absolutely exhausted from hearing them so I can only imagine how exhausting it must be for her to need them answered, and then my almost 14yr old should be able to process things like this so I'm standing there looking at her, both of us scared to death for different reasons.
Ugh, this is so freaking hard some times! My beautiful, healthy, talented, and intelligent daughter shouldn't be fighting things like this!
“It's hard to fight an enemy who has outposts in your head.” - Sally Kempton
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Houston...We Have Progress!
It's small progress, but progress nonetheless.
Bren finally saw a therapist on Tuesday. As I mentioned before, this therapist specializes in behavior therapy rather than medicating first. And again, I realize that medication might be in the future, but for now, we would rather try to get there without it.
I asked Bren about the visit afterward and this is what she told me:
Bren has stress related OCD. When she stresses about something, she moves to compulsions to push the feelings and thoughts of her stress away. They are going to focus on helping her deal with stress rather than push it away. For now, they are using the EMDR treatment, and Bren has little seeds taped behind her ears. The tape lasts a week or more, and the seeds are set on top of pressure points. When she feels stressed and wants to react, she is to squeeze the seeds and apply pressure and take deep breaths for 2 minutes, or until the need to react passes. Another thing they are doing (and by they, I mean Bren and her therapist together) is placing Bren on supplements rich in zinc. I am researching this as I write, but I'm seeing where this thought process is coming from. Apparently there are many stress related disorders inversely related to zinc deficiencies. So we will have to see whether that helps or not.
For the past two days, I have noticed Bren nonchalantly pinch her ears and take deep breaths. I also noticed that she did it more than I thought she would, which means she was dealing with stressful moments throughout her day that drove her to the handwashing or other compulsive behaviors. Bren is also expected to keep a daily journal, documenting all her emotions and stresses throughout her day.
I think this has helped tremendously as yesterday she was writing in her journal and said, "Mom, yesterday and today I only washed my hands 2 times at school!" The look on her face of accomplishment was something I hadn't seen in a while and after high-fiving her and celebrating I quickly ducked in the other room to celebrate privately the return of my confident, happy little girl, even if it was for a moment.
I know we aren't healed. I know that this is only a stepping stone along our way. But to see even an ounce of progress, even a fleeting moment of confidence back in Bren, makes the journey bearable and renews our strength.
Bren finally saw a therapist on Tuesday. As I mentioned before, this therapist specializes in behavior therapy rather than medicating first. And again, I realize that medication might be in the future, but for now, we would rather try to get there without it.
I asked Bren about the visit afterward and this is what she told me:
Bren has stress related OCD. When she stresses about something, she moves to compulsions to push the feelings and thoughts of her stress away. They are going to focus on helping her deal with stress rather than push it away. For now, they are using the EMDR treatment, and Bren has little seeds taped behind her ears. The tape lasts a week or more, and the seeds are set on top of pressure points. When she feels stressed and wants to react, she is to squeeze the seeds and apply pressure and take deep breaths for 2 minutes, or until the need to react passes. Another thing they are doing (and by they, I mean Bren and her therapist together) is placing Bren on supplements rich in zinc. I am researching this as I write, but I'm seeing where this thought process is coming from. Apparently there are many stress related disorders inversely related to zinc deficiencies. So we will have to see whether that helps or not.
For the past two days, I have noticed Bren nonchalantly pinch her ears and take deep breaths. I also noticed that she did it more than I thought she would, which means she was dealing with stressful moments throughout her day that drove her to the handwashing or other compulsive behaviors. Bren is also expected to keep a daily journal, documenting all her emotions and stresses throughout her day.
I think this has helped tremendously as yesterday she was writing in her journal and said, "Mom, yesterday and today I only washed my hands 2 times at school!" The look on her face of accomplishment was something I hadn't seen in a while and after high-fiving her and celebrating I quickly ducked in the other room to celebrate privately the return of my confident, happy little girl, even if it was for a moment.
I know we aren't healed. I know that this is only a stepping stone along our way. But to see even an ounce of progress, even a fleeting moment of confidence back in Bren, makes the journey bearable and renews our strength.
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