We finally got in to the other doctor at our clinic (the one who deals with the medication portion of Bren's therapy.)
I went in prepared for him to medicate the heck out of her, and even though I saw medication as a last last last resort, after this last year I was prepared to negotiate at least some medicine. Instead, he said that since she is not overly stressed right now and she has the control on her OCD instead of it having control of her, he wanted to wait. He said, "We've established the relationship, so we'll wait and see. If it comes back with the stress of school, then you call and I'll have you in that week and we'll see what she needs."
This renewed my trust in him, or I should say he received my trust when I was prepared to withhold it. He wasn't willing to just medicate her into a zombie, and indicated that medicine would be used as I wanted it used: As a last resort.
I can't help but feel as though Heavenly Father is directing me to the right people since he knows the prayers of my heart. Who knows, we may find ourselves back in dark days in the future, but I feel like, more than ever, we have an army on our side.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Back Off People...Momma Knows Best!
Things are still going great. Although we are hoping things stay great once the stresses of school start again. Right now we are low stress, and because her issues are stress triggered, then things are good.
Each week Bren and I talk more and more openly with Paula (the doctor) and she helps us through difficulties. Today I brought up an issue I've been having more and more as soccer and dance sign-ups near.
Basically, the only time throughout the school year that I see Bren lighten up, be herself, and smile without worry is on the soccer field or on the stage. As a mother I revel in those moments, especially when I know that it will all vanish later that night during shower time. However, this causes friends and family to comment that if I were to take Bren out of soccer and dance, she wouldn't be stressed with homework overload, and *poof* problem solved! Um, not that easy.
I get their point, I do. But I also know that the stupid teachers will still keep piling on the homework so that they can illustrate their dominance over the teenagers that they can't outsmart and therefore feel a need to bully into submissiveness.
WOW...that just came right out didn't it! Couldn't stop my fingers from typing that if I tried!
Back to the point. So the homework is still going to come hard and heavy, as is the need to be the perfect student. To me as a mother it would seem detrimental to take away the only outlets my daughter has during the school year. So I argue back that I disagree, and think soccer and dance are the moments she is relieved from stress rather than adding to her stress.
But the comments keep coming. "I'd take her out of soccer so she can focus on school." "If she's stressed then perhaps you shouldn't have her in soccer and dance." All said in ways that are accusing and NOT in the least helpful.
Today I bring up these comments to Paula and ask her if I'm doing the right thing...I mean I'm even battling my husband over these issues. And Paula confirms what I already know in my heart: Bren needs those outlets.
Let me explain: Growing up in an abusive house was scary, embarrassing, stressful, gut wrenching, etc. I hated it. It changed me at a very young age and robbed me of so much. It was only when I was on my horse in an arena, competing and focusing on that moment, that I forgot that my step dad was an evil beast. If they had taken away my horse and my outlet, I can honestly say I would have been forever lost spiritually. So I see my own daughter struggle and I see the moments she doesn't feel a need to be perfect and she relaxes and I refuse to take those moments away from her. So screw all of you and your opinions and your snarky comments and your "I'm only trying to help" advice. Until you've lived even a day in mine and my daughter's shoes, and clung to those moments when you're finally in control of your own world, you can kindly keep your "advice."
Each week Bren and I talk more and more openly with Paula (the doctor) and she helps us through difficulties. Today I brought up an issue I've been having more and more as soccer and dance sign-ups near.
Basically, the only time throughout the school year that I see Bren lighten up, be herself, and smile without worry is on the soccer field or on the stage. As a mother I revel in those moments, especially when I know that it will all vanish later that night during shower time. However, this causes friends and family to comment that if I were to take Bren out of soccer and dance, she wouldn't be stressed with homework overload, and *poof* problem solved! Um, not that easy.
I get their point, I do. But I also know that the stupid teachers will still keep piling on the homework so that they can illustrate their dominance over the teenagers that they can't outsmart and therefore feel a need to bully into submissiveness.
WOW...that just came right out didn't it! Couldn't stop my fingers from typing that if I tried!
Back to the point. So the homework is still going to come hard and heavy, as is the need to be the perfect student. To me as a mother it would seem detrimental to take away the only outlets my daughter has during the school year. So I argue back that I disagree, and think soccer and dance are the moments she is relieved from stress rather than adding to her stress.
But the comments keep coming. "I'd take her out of soccer so she can focus on school." "If she's stressed then perhaps you shouldn't have her in soccer and dance." All said in ways that are accusing and NOT in the least helpful.
Today I bring up these comments to Paula and ask her if I'm doing the right thing...I mean I'm even battling my husband over these issues. And Paula confirms what I already know in my heart: Bren needs those outlets.
Let me explain: Growing up in an abusive house was scary, embarrassing, stressful, gut wrenching, etc. I hated it. It changed me at a very young age and robbed me of so much. It was only when I was on my horse in an arena, competing and focusing on that moment, that I forgot that my step dad was an evil beast. If they had taken away my horse and my outlet, I can honestly say I would have been forever lost spiritually. So I see my own daughter struggle and I see the moments she doesn't feel a need to be perfect and she relaxes and I refuse to take those moments away from her. So screw all of you and your opinions and your snarky comments and your "I'm only trying to help" advice. Until you've lived even a day in mine and my daughter's shoes, and clung to those moments when you're finally in control of your own world, you can kindly keep your "advice."
Thursday, June 16, 2011
FINALLY!
Okay, so the end of the school year sucks. It is constant going and coming and parents are stretched thin trying to balance one event after another. BUT...I finally have time to sit down and catch you up...before I head out to my son's 5th grade graduation dance. *see what I mean*
Bren has seen the psychiatrist twice now and things are good. No, I guess I can allow myself to say things are GREAT. I always under report so that I don't get too excited and then fall so hard when something does happen. Bren is making great strides. Do we have a day here and there? Yes, there isn't a fast and easy cure. But those days are fewer and farther between than before.
Why? Partly because so many of you prayed and fasted for Bren, and partly because Bren and her doctor are a perfect match. Paula just knows everything to say to help Bren open up. And boy did she open up! She said things that I had NO idea she was thinking and feeling. And as a mother, hearing her inner most fears, my heart wrenched unlike anything I'd ever felt before. She knows the fears are in her head and impossible, but they still feel real. And because they aren't real, I can't fix them, I can't take them away, and I can't save her from them, and quite frankly that is a really helpless place to be as a mother. But even more, that is a terrible thing to feel as a beautiful and intelligent, and wonderful little girl.
Progress is a good thing. And we'll keep trudging through this until we save our daughter, and Bren controls her life rather than her brain and thoughts controlling her. This is about Bren reclaiming the life she deserves...it's my job to get her there.
Bren has seen the psychiatrist twice now and things are good. No, I guess I can allow myself to say things are GREAT. I always under report so that I don't get too excited and then fall so hard when something does happen. Bren is making great strides. Do we have a day here and there? Yes, there isn't a fast and easy cure. But those days are fewer and farther between than before.
Why? Partly because so many of you prayed and fasted for Bren, and partly because Bren and her doctor are a perfect match. Paula just knows everything to say to help Bren open up. And boy did she open up! She said things that I had NO idea she was thinking and feeling. And as a mother, hearing her inner most fears, my heart wrenched unlike anything I'd ever felt before. She knows the fears are in her head and impossible, but they still feel real. And because they aren't real, I can't fix them, I can't take them away, and I can't save her from them, and quite frankly that is a really helpless place to be as a mother. But even more, that is a terrible thing to feel as a beautiful and intelligent, and wonderful little girl.
Progress is a good thing. And we'll keep trudging through this until we save our daughter, and Bren controls her life rather than her brain and thoughts controlling her. This is about Bren reclaiming the life she deserves...it's my job to get her there.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
You know that feeling you get when something just feels right?
That's the feeling I had today when I met with Bren's psychiatrist for the first time. She was fantastic! And on the very FIRST visit, with her asking me history questions, we think we nailed down the two events that sparked Bren's slow progress to where she is now with her Anxiety build up.
When Bren was born, she was smurf blue and didn't breathe for quite a while. I had to have an emergency c-section due to her being so stressed and in danger. Upon hearing this, Ms. Paula explained that there is ongoing research about the brain retaining information even when the person does not remember. She explained that Bren's brain could have registered and stored a "fight" memory from that stressful birth and was waiting for some trauma to unlock it.
The trauma, we discovered through talking, happened during the birth of my 3 child. Bren had her first anxiety attack after that and refused to spend the night with family members she used to LOVE to stay with. Apparently, when I went into the hospital for the 4 days to have Jase, I had asked the Grandparents if they would please allow Bren and Mase the opportunity to sleep at their own house in their own beds so that there would be stability while Mom was having a new baby. I found out after Jase was born that Bren and Mase stayed all 4 days away from their own home and at another set of grandparents. I wasn't mad, just remember wishing that our wishes had been respected because Bren really needed to learn to sleep in her own bed more and we didn't want her to feel as though we shipped her off while we brought in her baby sister. I also felt like that stability was important. Perhaps that was the Holy Ghost trying to whisper a warning. But after we all returned home, Bren had her first panic attack when my brother came to pick her up to spend the night (several weeks later) with his own kids. She refused to go with him and it got worse from there.
Ms. Paula explained that while no harm was meant to Bren in keeping her while we were in the hospital, she was a child that woke up several times at night even at 4 with bad dreams and would crawl into bed with us. At anyone else's house, she didn't get that privilege, and spending 4 days away from Mom for the first time, in a house that was not her own, and knowing that her mom was in the hospital, could have been the trauma that sparked her brain to begin reacting to stressful situations. Because literally, after that time, it took Bren up until 2 years ago to be comfortable spending the night at someone's house, and even now it has to be someone she REALLY knows or she won't do it.
It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just that the brain could have retained that stressful memory from birth and that traumatic situation could have set it off. It made total and complete sense to me because that was the first time I remember Bren freaking out and clawing her way out of my brother's car to get to me, and she would cry and beg me to not make her spend the night away from home even at her grandparent's or cousin's houses.
So I guess by the time this initial meeting was over, I felt like we had a good grasp on the the orientation of it all. Now we just need to control it.
When Bren was born, she was smurf blue and didn't breathe for quite a while. I had to have an emergency c-section due to her being so stressed and in danger. Upon hearing this, Ms. Paula explained that there is ongoing research about the brain retaining information even when the person does not remember. She explained that Bren's brain could have registered and stored a "fight" memory from that stressful birth and was waiting for some trauma to unlock it.
The trauma, we discovered through talking, happened during the birth of my 3 child. Bren had her first anxiety attack after that and refused to spend the night with family members she used to LOVE to stay with. Apparently, when I went into the hospital for the 4 days to have Jase, I had asked the Grandparents if they would please allow Bren and Mase the opportunity to sleep at their own house in their own beds so that there would be stability while Mom was having a new baby. I found out after Jase was born that Bren and Mase stayed all 4 days away from their own home and at another set of grandparents. I wasn't mad, just remember wishing that our wishes had been respected because Bren really needed to learn to sleep in her own bed more and we didn't want her to feel as though we shipped her off while we brought in her baby sister. I also felt like that stability was important. Perhaps that was the Holy Ghost trying to whisper a warning. But after we all returned home, Bren had her first panic attack when my brother came to pick her up to spend the night (several weeks later) with his own kids. She refused to go with him and it got worse from there.
Ms. Paula explained that while no harm was meant to Bren in keeping her while we were in the hospital, she was a child that woke up several times at night even at 4 with bad dreams and would crawl into bed with us. At anyone else's house, she didn't get that privilege, and spending 4 days away from Mom for the first time, in a house that was not her own, and knowing that her mom was in the hospital, could have been the trauma that sparked her brain to begin reacting to stressful situations. Because literally, after that time, it took Bren up until 2 years ago to be comfortable spending the night at someone's house, and even now it has to be someone she REALLY knows or she won't do it.
It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just that the brain could have retained that stressful memory from birth and that traumatic situation could have set it off. It made total and complete sense to me because that was the first time I remember Bren freaking out and clawing her way out of my brother's car to get to me, and she would cry and beg me to not make her spend the night away from home even at her grandparent's or cousin's houses.
So I guess by the time this initial meeting was over, I felt like we had a good grasp on the the orientation of it all. Now we just need to control it.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Changing Directions
The last two weeks have been uber super duper hard. Things are progressing too fast.
After calling our therapist, she and I both realized that Bren is beyond just therapy. We are in need of a psychiatrist and medication.
This rips my heart out to see my little girl disappearing before my eyes. I know she's still here, but she's not the same Bren she was just a few months ago. But I'm in a better place tonight, so I have a better handle on things and can focus more.
One of my dearest friends, who apparently knows me better than I thought, called me to talk yesterday. She knows that when times are tough I completely separate myself from the rest of the world and take on the battle all by myself. I don't do "needy" and I don't do "dependence." So as we are talking and I'm telling her "I'm fine really" she stops and says "okay, let's just say it, let's say what you're thinking and let's get it out there." Then she says the ONE thing that if it were true, would kill me literally. But then in the same breath she makes me realize that what I'm fearing is NOT happening. I hadn't said it before then because even thinking it closed my throat down tight and stripped the breath from me. But once my friend put it out there like that it became less scary, and I could think more clearly. She gave me back the control that I was losing, and the last two days were better days because of that.
Bren still had hard times, and will continue, but now I'm in a better place. God gave me this little girl because He knew that I was strong enough to hold her up and hold up the rest of my family while we endure this and then survive it. BUT, I have been forced to embrace the help of others so that I can continue to stay strong and get my family through this. For that I am so very thankful for my dearest friends, and their willingness to to hold me when I cry.
I also want everyone to know that my little family feels your prayers and we cannot thank you enough, because there have been moments when the only thing that carried us through were the lifting power of your prayers. Thank you dearly!
After calling our therapist, she and I both realized that Bren is beyond just therapy. We are in need of a psychiatrist and medication.
This rips my heart out to see my little girl disappearing before my eyes. I know she's still here, but she's not the same Bren she was just a few months ago. But I'm in a better place tonight, so I have a better handle on things and can focus more.
One of my dearest friends, who apparently knows me better than I thought, called me to talk yesterday. She knows that when times are tough I completely separate myself from the rest of the world and take on the battle all by myself. I don't do "needy" and I don't do "dependence." So as we are talking and I'm telling her "I'm fine really" she stops and says "okay, let's just say it, let's say what you're thinking and let's get it out there." Then she says the ONE thing that if it were true, would kill me literally. But then in the same breath she makes me realize that what I'm fearing is NOT happening. I hadn't said it before then because even thinking it closed my throat down tight and stripped the breath from me. But once my friend put it out there like that it became less scary, and I could think more clearly. She gave me back the control that I was losing, and the last two days were better days because of that.
Bren still had hard times, and will continue, but now I'm in a better place. God gave me this little girl because He knew that I was strong enough to hold her up and hold up the rest of my family while we endure this and then survive it. BUT, I have been forced to embrace the help of others so that I can continue to stay strong and get my family through this. For that I am so very thankful for my dearest friends, and their willingness to to hold me when I cry.
I also want everyone to know that my little family feels your prayers and we cannot thank you enough, because there have been moments when the only thing that carried us through were the lifting power of your prayers. Thank you dearly!
Friday, May 20, 2011
It's Morning.
The sun came up today. That's something. I don't think I could take another rainy day.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Dear Heavenly Father...
I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted and worn out, but most of all my heart is breaking for my little girl. I really think I'm at my breaking point.
Tonight was such a bad night. I suck at this. Bren seems so out of control and the things she says are just beyond my understanding and I'm watching her little sweet mind unravel and then I feel myself slowly unravel at the thought of her pain.
I need help. I need some divine intervention to give me the strength to pull through this. I need to be strong for my daughter. And yet THIS was the last thing I am capable of protecting her from. How can you protect a little girl from an illness that is in her head?
Bren and I can't keep going like this. Mornings are rough, evenings are terrible, and I can't fix it.
Even my younger two are starting to suffer from all the strife and tension that we are enduring.
My family is strong and we've pulled through a lot, but this is HARD. And when I pray 40 times a day I need to know my prayers aren't just hitting the ceiling. I need to know they are heard.
Dear Father, you know I get mad at you sometimes. But you also know that I am still on your side and I am fiercely loyal. And I know right now I'm having one of my "moments" and I'm weak right now. Tomorrow I may be strong again. But tonight, I need you to just give my baby girl a moment of peace, a moment of compassion, and a moment of comfort. I'll find my own peace in that.
Loyally Yours, even when I'm mad,
Me.
Tonight was such a bad night. I suck at this. Bren seems so out of control and the things she says are just beyond my understanding and I'm watching her little sweet mind unravel and then I feel myself slowly unravel at the thought of her pain.
I need help. I need some divine intervention to give me the strength to pull through this. I need to be strong for my daughter. And yet THIS was the last thing I am capable of protecting her from. How can you protect a little girl from an illness that is in her head?
Bren and I can't keep going like this. Mornings are rough, evenings are terrible, and I can't fix it.
Even my younger two are starting to suffer from all the strife and tension that we are enduring.
My family is strong and we've pulled through a lot, but this is HARD. And when I pray 40 times a day I need to know my prayers aren't just hitting the ceiling. I need to know they are heard.
Dear Father, you know I get mad at you sometimes. But you also know that I am still on your side and I am fiercely loyal. And I know right now I'm having one of my "moments" and I'm weak right now. Tomorrow I may be strong again. But tonight, I need you to just give my baby girl a moment of peace, a moment of compassion, and a moment of comfort. I'll find my own peace in that.
Loyally Yours, even when I'm mad,
Me.
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