First Update of 2012

If I've learned anything through this journey/discovery with Bren it's that I really never knew what was going on in that little girl's head her whole life until now. I approached every single ordeal as I would any other child, and quite frankly, that was wrong of me.

Bren's brain and line of thinking is so very different from the average person. She sees things in a completely different way than most people would, and approaches things in ways I have trouble understanding.

Here are our latest struggles/discoveries:

1. I've noticed lately that Bren has been putting it "out there" that she is not fond of the 4 year college track. At first I thought, well no one is, but then I realized that what she was really doing was beginning to lay down the logic that justified college being a poor choice for her. That's how Bren thinks...logically. And once she begins to legitimize a path of understanding (her understanding) there is very little that can be done to reverse that, short of miracles and hard work. So I, as her mother, the one who knows her best, began thinking that perhaps I need to peak her interest in degrees/careers that work best with her. Now many...MANY...have come forward and said "it's too soon, she's so young, she'll change her mind a thousand times..." but what they don't know is that Bren doesn't change her mind. She's never just changed her mind. When her mind has changed it's been after very carefully thought-out reasoning that "allowed" her to realize that perhaps the other should be better considered. Yeah, I know...it makes me tired just thinking about my brain working that hard. But her brain works like that ALL THE TIME. So I've started listing ideas and interests that require degrees that would draw her attention and the need to consider them. I have to plant the seed now because the "other plant" is already growing. And while some would say, have said, "you can survive and be very successful and not go to college," they, again, don't know Bren. Once she realized how smart and talented she is, and that with a degree she could literally do ANYTHING, she will never forgive herself for denying herself that pathway. Never forgive herself.

2. Another struggle we are facing is that everything Bren touches turns to gold. Figuratively speaking of course. The child excels at every single thing she tries. Until now. For the first time ever, she is faced with being merely "average." Now, how can you prepare a child for being average, and like everyone else, when the child has never performed average on anything?? (As high school placement tests are coming in, we are discovering that perhaps we have a larger IQ on our hands than we ever imagined.) So this week volleyball tryouts occurred, and last year when she tried out she made the A team even though she had NEVER touched a volleyball before the week of tryouts. See what I mean, the child has this way of making it happen, and if you could see inside her brain it was working overtime during tryouts, laying down the logical path that would get her to A team. I know you think I'm exaggerating, but let me give you a snip-pit of something she told me during tryouts last year: "I could see that the coach wasn't looking for silly girls, she wanted maturity....and while I was serving I noticed that my serves were breaking right too far, so I stepped to my left a few feet to adjust where they landed...there are a lot of girls that are bigger than me so I am going to have to prove that I have the power they have in spite of my size so I adjusted how I approached the..." See...everything is logic. Anyway, back to this year, tryouts were this week. Now keep in mind that Bren had decided she would not tryout for volleyball this year, because unlike soccer, she never could wrap her mind around the fact that she wasn't "perfect" at it. She's not used to being average. So The Hub and I, very cunningly, tried to persuade her to tryout again because we realized the need to her to experience what it's like to struggle and work at something. She agreed to tryout and yesterday she discovered she had not made the A team. HOLY HELL! You would have thought the world came to an end! Now keep in mind that the only reason this child is reacting in this way is because to HER this is a sign of failure, her own pressure of perfection has caused her to excel or find a way to excel at everything she puts her mind to. It's never about her being snotty or spoiled...she suffers way too much to be labeled as such. Talking her down last night was exhausting, but I think I'm slowly getting through to that mystery brain of hers that being average is not a sign of failure, it's a sign of being normal. She had a "smile" of some sorts on her face this morning headed to school, and I'm sure she will be happy with her friends on the B team this season. But NOT until her brain lays down the logic for her to see how B team will be beneficial for her...literally not until then.

Sometimes I think that brain of hers is another entity altogether, and quite often works against her on purpose just to make her miserable.

As for her anxiety, it rarely rears its ugly head. And the washing and germ phobia has all but vanished for now. But as I'm learning with the OCD brain, there is always something to obsess about and control, and therefore there is always something for Bren and I to wage war against.

But we are pretty strong fighters, so there isn't much we're scared of anymore. :)

Long Time...Lots to Update.

School started and the first part of school has our family up to our necks in Fall soccer schedules, new after school schedules, and dance class schedules. So basically I spent September, October, and most of November literally falling into my bed at night.

But I have lots to update! Two weeks ago Bren graduated from full time therapy! Things are so much better that our last few visits weren't really productive anyway. I asked her doctor how this is possible and she laughed and said "well, though I wouldn't believe it if I hadn't seen it myself, it seems as though Bren became a little OCD about being inconvenienced by her OCD and learned to manage it quickly." That's my girl! Basically Bren started using the techniques she learned in therapy to fix the issues that hindered her on a daily basis. She has even turned in a few assignments late, though she then bugged the teacher to make sure the grades were posted asap so she could prove to me it was turned in. My bar isn't covered in pencil erasings and pencil marks, and homework is done by dinner every night. I can't tell you how this has changed our family life! We actually eat together again!

Bren has also taken on an after school job where she walks the neighbor's dog. This time last year she wouldn't have touched her own dogs much less another one.

It's truly amazing how far she has come. I'm so blessed to have had so many prayers and wishes headed our way through the really dark times. Even when I worried that I would have to hospitalize my daughter, I felt buoyed up by your prayers, and I gathered the strength to go on.

Bren will continue to manage her OCD and anxiety, and we will see her doctor if a tune-up is necessary, but we are blessed to be moving forward for now. And that is all I asked for...well, that and to see my daughter's beautiful smile every day!

Things are really good!

I'm happy to report that we are a month into 8th grade and Bren is doing fantastic! Her therapist has been amazing in helping Bren and I realize that "stress" is the number one trigger for her OCD and anxiety issues. Basically, as long as she isn't stressed, she doesn't have anxiety and then she doesn't use the OCD behaviors to push the anxiety away.

Of course, completely stress-free is impossible, but we've really worked on ways to deal with stress so that anxiety levels don't become over elevated. We've had only a couple of situations where we needed to really utilize the techniques we've learned, and we worked through those beautifully.

Since her toddler years, Bren has been the type to fix her problems as soon as she could because she highly disliked being out of control. OCD created A LOT of out of control situations for her and for over a year she lost control of her environment and her life. I know this killed her inside. But I also know this is why she is progressing so quickly. Because she will always have OCD tendencies, she will always have to watch her stress levels and check herself with stress gets high.

I'm just so very thankful that I'm enjoying my little girl again as I watch her once again enjoy life. When I sit beside her at night and giggle at the text messages she and her first boyfriend send back and forth, I say a little prayer to my Heavenly Father thanking Him for returning my daughter to me.

Medication is on Hold.

We finally got in to the other doctor at our clinic (the one who deals with the medication portion of Bren's therapy.)

I went in prepared for him to medicate the heck out of her, and even though I saw medication as a last last last resort, after this last year I was prepared to negotiate at least some medicine. Instead, he said that since she is not overly stressed right now and she has the control on her OCD instead of it having control of her, he wanted to wait. He said, "We've established the relationship, so we'll wait and see. If it comes back with the stress of school, then you call and I'll have you in that week and we'll see what she needs."

This renewed my trust in him, or I should say he received my trust when I was prepared to withhold it. He wasn't willing to just medicate her into a zombie, and indicated that medicine would be used as I wanted it used: As a last resort.

I can't help but feel as though Heavenly Father is directing me to the right people since he knows the prayers of my heart. Who knows, we may find ourselves back in dark days in the future, but I feel like, more than ever, we have an army on our side.

Back Off People...Momma Knows Best!

Things are still going great. Although we are hoping things stay great once the stresses of school start again. Right now we are low stress, and because her issues are stress triggered, then things are good.

Each week Bren and I talk more and more openly with Paula (the doctor) and she helps us through difficulties. Today I brought up an issue I've been having more and more as soccer and dance sign-ups near.

Basically, the only time throughout the school year that I see Bren lighten up, be herself, and smile without worry is on the soccer field or on the stage. As a mother I revel in those moments, especially when I know that it will all vanish later that night during shower time. However, this causes friends and family to comment that if I were to take Bren out of soccer and dance, she wouldn't be stressed with homework overload, and *poof* problem solved! Um, not that easy.

I get their point, I do. But I also know that the stupid teachers will still keep piling on the homework so that they can illustrate their dominance over the teenagers that they can't outsmart and therefore feel a need to bully into submissiveness.

WOW...that just came right out didn't it! Couldn't stop my fingers from typing that if I tried!

Back to the point. So the homework is still going to come hard and heavy, as is the need to be the perfect student. To me as a mother it would seem detrimental to take away the only outlets my daughter has during the school year. So I argue back that I disagree, and think soccer and dance are the moments she is relieved from stress rather than adding to her stress.

But the comments keep coming. "I'd take her out of soccer so she can focus on school." "If she's stressed then perhaps you shouldn't have her in soccer and dance." All said in ways that are accusing and NOT in the least helpful.

Today I bring up these comments to Paula and ask her if I'm doing the right thing...I mean I'm even battling my husband over these issues. And Paula confirms what I already know in my heart: Bren needs those outlets.

Let me explain: Growing up in an abusive house was scary, embarrassing, stressful, gut wrenching, etc. I hated it. It changed me at a very young age and robbed me of so much. It was only when I was on my horse in an arena, competing and focusing on that moment, that I forgot that my step dad was an evil beast. If they had taken away my horse and my outlet, I can honestly say I would have been forever lost spiritually. So I see my own daughter struggle and I see the moments she doesn't feel a need to be perfect and she relaxes and I refuse to take those moments away from her. So screw all of you and your opinions and your snarky comments and your "I'm only trying to help" advice. Until you've lived even a day in mine and my daughter's shoes, and clung to those moments when you're finally in control of your own world, you can kindly keep your "advice."

FINALLY!

Okay, so the end of the school year sucks. It is constant going and coming and parents are stretched thin trying to balance one event after another. BUT...I finally have time to sit down and catch you up...before I head out to my son's 5th grade graduation dance. *see what I mean*

Bren has seen the psychiatrist twice now and things are good. No, I guess I can allow myself to say things are GREAT. I always under report so that I don't get too excited and then fall so hard when something does happen. Bren is making great strides. Do we have a day here and there? Yes, there isn't a fast and easy cure. But those days are fewer and farther between than before.

Why? Partly because so many of you prayed and fasted for Bren, and partly because Bren and her doctor are a perfect match. Paula just knows everything to say to help Bren open up. And boy did she open up! She said things that I had NO idea she was thinking and feeling. And as a mother, hearing her inner most fears, my heart wrenched unlike anything I'd ever felt before. She knows the fears are in her head and impossible, but they still feel real. And because they aren't real, I can't fix them, I can't take them away, and I can't save her from them, and quite frankly that is a really helpless place to be as a mother. But even more, that is a terrible thing to feel as a beautiful and intelligent, and wonderful little girl.

Progress is a good thing. And we'll keep trudging through this until we save our daughter, and Bren controls her life rather than her brain and thoughts controlling her. This is about Bren reclaiming the life she deserves...it's my job to get her there.

You know that feeling you get when something just feels right?

That's the feeling I had today when I met with Bren's psychiatrist for the first time. She was fantastic! And on the very FIRST visit, with her asking me history questions, we think we nailed down the two events that sparked Bren's slow progress to where she is now with her Anxiety build up.

When Bren was born, she was smurf blue and didn't breathe for quite a while. I had to have an emergency c-section due to her being so stressed and in danger. Upon hearing this, Ms. Paula explained that there is ongoing research about the brain retaining information even when the person does not remember. She explained that Bren's brain could have registered and stored a "fight" memory from that stressful birth and was waiting for some trauma to unlock it.

The trauma, we discovered through talking, happened during the birth of my 3 child. Bren had her first anxiety attack after that and refused to spend the night with family members she used to LOVE to stay with. Apparently, when I went into the hospital for the 4 days to have Jase, I had asked the Grandparents if they would please allow Bren and Mase the opportunity to sleep at their own house in their own beds so that there would be stability while Mom was having a new baby. I found out after Jase was born that Bren and Mase stayed all 4 days away from their own home and at another set of grandparents. I wasn't mad, just remember wishing that our wishes had been respected because Bren really needed to learn to sleep in her own bed more and we didn't want her to feel as though we shipped her off while we brought in her baby sister. I also felt like that stability was important. Perhaps that was the Holy Ghost trying to whisper a warning. But after we all returned home, Bren had her first panic attack when my brother came to pick her up to spend the night (several weeks later) with his own kids. She refused to go with him and it got worse from there.

Ms. Paula explained that while no harm was meant to Bren in keeping her while we were in the hospital, she was a child that woke up several times at night even at 4 with bad dreams and would crawl into bed with us. At anyone else's house, she didn't get that privilege, and spending 4 days away from Mom for the first time, in a house that was not her own, and knowing that her mom was in the hospital, could have been the trauma that sparked her brain to begin reacting to stressful situations. Because literally, after that time, it took Bren up until 2 years ago to be comfortable spending the night at someone's house, and even now it has to be someone she REALLY knows or she won't do it.

It wasn't anyone's fault, it's just that the brain could have retained that stressful memory from birth and that traumatic situation could have set it off. It made total and complete sense to me because that was the first time I remember Bren freaking out and clawing her way out of my brother's car to get to me, and she would cry and beg me to not make her spend the night away from home even at her grandparent's or cousin's houses.

So I guess by the time this initial meeting was over, I felt like we had a good grasp on the the orientation of it all. Now we just need to control it.